Kuja TV!
by Emmy9
Summary: Kuja gets his own TV show! What could be more hilarious? Well, perhaps a lot of other things...


This silly little story is post-game when the world is finally at peace. The tradition of the Festival of the Hunt still continues on for this story, however, and hopefully will make you chuckle at least once. If I manage to do that, then I will have proven I have a sense of humor. Bwa haha!   
  
And yesh, I acknowledge that the characters in this story are in no way of my own creation. No infringement is intended on any part of Final Fantasy IX or any Squaresoft products.   
  
Now read! ^.^  
  
---------------------------------------------------  
  
The Festival of the Hunt was on in Linblum once again. Zidane, Freya, Steiner, and Amarant, who were all in Linblum to compete in the Festival, were cordially welcomed indulge in Cid's accomodations for the week. Though the Hunt itself lasted for a day, the crew took the week as a much needed vacation.  
  
On the day before the hunt, they all simply lounged around in a newly built TV room, their lethargic mood masking their spirits already pumped with anticipation. This turned out to make for a rather dull day, until...  
  
"What the *&%$# HELL?"  
  
Everyone in the room quirked an eyebrow, then looked at each other inquisitively.  
  
Cid, towel clad, burst into the room they were in. He then lifted a small rodent by the tail from behind his back for all to see.  
  
"Who the HELL left a *gerbil* in my shower?!"   
  
"Maybe it's the return of Zidane's long lost cousin," Amarant calmly joked, leaning back against a wall. He then felt a dagger whizz by his ear and reverberate as it implanted itself into the wall next to his face. Amarant froze, a sweatdrop appearing on his temple.  
  
Hilda's voice then sounded behind Cid. "Cid, darling! Please! Quit making such a scene. It sets a bad example for your subjects! Just let the gerbil go and forget about it,"   
  
"Um, yes, well, indeed," Cid said as his embarrassment led him from the room.  
  
"That was odd," Zidane remarked softly. He then decided to grab the remote and flip on the TV.  
  
"DAH DAH DAT DAT DAT! It's the Kuja show! Staring me, I'm Kuja!"   
  
Space could have not been more silent than that room.   
  
"Who the HELL put the gerbil on TV?" Zidane finally broke.  
  
"I bet *this* will make you regret saving Kuja afterall," Freya remarked, he eyes fixed with horror on the television.  
  
"Ever since I managed to pull Kuja out of the Iifa Tree, Kuja told me he realized he had to try and do something with himself, now that he had his life back. Well here we have it, I guess," Zidane said as he gestured toward the TV.  
  
"First I would like to extend my gratitude to a friend out there, whom none of this would be possible without. Thank you, Zidane Tribal." Zidane slapped his forehead.  
  
"So therefore we have YOU to blame," quipped Freya. Zidane just scrunched up growled to himself. Attention soon turned back to the TV.  
  
"Dammit! No. 39! Turn the camera THIS way!" The screen fuzzed and jiggled a little, then completely fell sideways all together. A 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' then sign flashed onscreen.  
  
"Sirs, why must we continue to view this?" Steiner begged.  
  
"I dunno. Despite how disturbing the entire concept is, I'm curious to see how it goes," Zidane explained.  
  
"And if we steal the remote?" Amarant asked rhetotically. He then felt another dagger whiz and implant itself next to the other cheek.   
  
"Hah!" he then said. "Now you're out of daggers!"   
  
Suddenly he felt a gust between his legs. He looked down to see the presence of another dagger barely beneath his crotch. He lifted his head, whimpering.  
  
"I always carry spares!" Zidane said as he grinned evilly and turned back to the television.  
  
Soon the program returned and materialized as Kuja behind a nice wooden desk. "Sorry for that small delay, ladies and gentlemen. I'll make it up to you. I choked on some viagra a month ago, and boy I had a stiff neck for weeks!" The camera cut to a black mage drummer that played 'babum chhh'. "Um, not that I use viagra...Anyway! We certainly have a show for you! My guest tonight is an individual not many of you know, but has an interesting story to tell. Ladies and gentlemen of the studio audience and at home, please give a warm welcome to Garland, caretaker of Terra's souls! Unfortunately, I uh, sorta killed him, so we're going to use a life-size cardboard cutout to help visualize his presence." Two black mages carried out the cutout and placed it on the sofa next to Kuja's desk. "Hello Mr. Garland," Kuja began.  
  
"Kuja, you bastard," a disembodied voice interrupted.  
  
"Yes, uh, anyway, I hear you're going to try and get a spot as an announcer on the show 'The Price is Up My Bum and Around the Corner'. Could you tell us about that?" Kuja continued.  
  
"Certainly, I believe my voice is articulate and I wouldn't need a body to...Hey! Why am I patronizing my backstabbing murderous son!" the voice thundered.  
  
"Well, you *did* agree to come on this show," Kuja retorted.   
  
"Only to berate your monkey ass! No! Monkey is too good for you! RATASS is more like it! Get real job, at a zoo! I'm sure some 5-year-old as well as grown men would love throwing pebbles and peanuts at you!" Garland ranted.  
  
"Hey now, Mr. Garland, you wouldn't want your chances of employment to be diminished while demonstrating to the world this sort of behavior, would you?" Kuja slyly responded.   
  
"Damn you..." replied Garland.  
  
"Good boy. Now, pet, I mean, Garland, could you describe for us what it is like to be a disembodied spirit with a voice?"  
  
"It's like being an invisible vibrator."  
  
"Kinky...er, is that all?"  
  
"Well, there is the fact that I can transcend your feeble existence and view you and everyone else from so many angles and eras that would make your head would cave in. But I digress and just explain the bare necessities."  
  
"I know, er, 'hear' that you are a native of some other planet?"  
  
"You don't need to interview me to explain that one yourself, girly."  
  
"Ah, ah! Careful! Everyone is watching!"  
  
"Then watch THIS!"  
  
Suddenly the studio grew dark, followed by the screen shorting out erratically, then going to snow completely. Then, the screen flickered back, only to reveal Kuja standing next to the Garland cardboard cutout, now adorned with a chef's hat, behind a kitchen island.   
  
"Did I mention I figured out how to completely redesign TV sets while I've been dead?" Garland sounded.   
  
Kuja just stared at the camera, stunned. He then glanced around the studio kitchen he had been transported to.  
  
"This is *my* show, now!" Garland said following with a maniacal cackle. "Today," he continued, "Kuja will be helping me make my intergalactically famous brownies with a hint of people souls. First, preheat your oven to 350 degrees. The ingredients you will be needing are:  
  
1 package of brownie mix (I recommend my brand),  
  
1 package of chocolate chips, melted  
  
2 tbsps Kirman coffee grounds  
  
1 cup water  
  
a dash or two of fermented souls.   
  
Now, mix everything into a bowl, and spread evenly in a 9x9 brownie pan. Place in oven and bake for 45 minutes. To save time, we have a done one waiting in the oven. Kuja, if you would?"  
  
Kuja, still a bit stunned, robotically marched over to the oven behind him and pulled out some yummy-looking brownies and set them on a burner on the island.   
  
"Don't they smell wonderful? Well, I wouldn't know since I have nothing to smell with. But I imagine they do. Kuja? Would you try them?"  
  
Kuja, out of fear for his life and career, cut a cube of it and nibbled off a corner.  
  
"Mmm. I bet they taste good, too? Do you taste that tang at the end? That's the souls. Why, you just might call this 'soul food'! Bwa haha!"  
  
Kuja just nodded. "Uh, yea, they're great."  
  
"GOOD FOOD? WHERE? I MUST TRY ALL GOOD FOOD!"   
  
Kuja looked around. "That couldn't have been you, Garland..." Suddenly, a genderless, frog-tongued organism lept in front of the camera.  
  
"Where is good food? You keep it from me? Give me!"   
  
"What the hell *are* you?" exclaimed Kuja, now fully aware and indignant that his show is being ultimately ruined.  
  
"Me Quina. Me gourmand in training, and I must try all delicious food of world." the creature responded.  
  
Kuja snapped. "Get out of my studio! Both of you!" he shouted.  
  
"Not without giving delicious brownies!" Quina then pounced toward the brownies, but not before Kuja could grab a firm hold onto one side of the pan.  
  
"Back, devil, back!" he ordered. But it was no use. Soon the gourmand and Kuja were playing a violent game of tug-o-war until Kuja began spinning them around. Gradually he started gaining enough momentum to spin himself and Quina into a blur.  
  
"You want them so bad? Then HERE!" Kuja then released the pan, and at an unfortunate time for the camera taping them. Quina's face came rushing toward the screen followed by a loud shriek of terror. The camera filmed itself flying toward a horrified studio audience until the screen once again reverted to snow.  
  
A few minutes passed by, when Kuja's face, bruised and paler than usual, flickered back onscreen. He was flat on the ground, the camera too.   
  
He slowly crawled up to the cracked screen so his pores were unmistakably visible. Hoarsely, he was able to make out, "Thank you for watching, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you tune in next time." He klunked his head on the ground as he passed out. The screen then went to black to scroll the short list of credits.  
  
Meanwhile, the entire room was on the floor, which was practically flooded with tears. "OH MY OZMA! THAT WAS THE MOST HILARIOUS THING EVER!" Zidane roared.   
  
"Actually," Freya piped, between sobs of laughter, "that was sort of pathetic. Should we be laughing?"  
  
Everyone stopped laughing and looked at one another.  
  
Then they all nodded. "YES!" They then resumed their joyous tantrums. After they had gotten over their amusement, Hilda walked in to check on them.  
  
"Is everybody alright? Sounded like you all might have burst a lung having such a good time!" She smiled.  
  
  
  
"Yea! It's too bad you missed it! Kuja has his own TV program now. Go figure!" Zidane then picked up the remote once more.  
  
"I wonder what else is on now?" He began to channel surf. He clicked, watched a little, clicked, watched a little, and on and on until he landed on a rerun of the Dukes of Hazzard.   
  
"CHANGE IT! CHANGE IT QUICK!" shouted Hilda.  
  
Just as Zidane was about to depress the channel button, a "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" resounded down the hallway to the room. Cid, in his usual attire, burst airborne through the door and dove toward where Zidane was seated. Time seemed to slow down as Cid homed in on the remote control before Zidane could press another button. After a battle masked by a dust cloud, Cid emerged victorious with remote in hand.  
  
"DUKES OF HAZZARD TIME! Everyone gather 'round!" Cid looked around to see everyone filing out the door, (read: desperately trampling over one another in a stampede out the door). Cid cleared his throat. "A-HEM! I said, everyone gather 'round, or I'll have you spending the rest of your week emptying the bathroom depositories on my airship fleet!"  
  
Reluctantly, everyone returned to the room to keep the regent company. After the end of the painful viewing session, Cid looked around and asked,  
  
"Now who left that gerbil in my shower?"  
  
~ ~ ~ fin ~ ~ ~  
  
I wasn't sure how to end this one. Oh well, I like ending with a quote, so I did. I hope this was at least remotely humorous. It's probably a lot funnier in my imagination, but please, let me know your thoughts! Thanks! 


End file.
